In Today's Issue- Battle Communication: "I refuse to let myself drown"
- Personal Victory of the Day: The rewiring is REAL
- Therapy Tip of the Day: Exposure Response Prevention (ERP)
- Daily Dose of Dov: Torah Perspective on "Insensitivity to Others" - NEW!
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Battle Communication
"I refuse to let myself drown"
While the GYE forum was down this week, I was talking to my GYE friends off-site and I was telling them that I felt it was time for me to go... The repeated falls were making me believe it's hopeless... But certain events have transpired which gave me reason to believe the famous words that "efshar, efshar, efshar letakain".... I refuse to let myself drown, so I am here...
I realized that I was getting seriously depressed after each fall and that the depression and despair that came out of that was defeating me even more than the lust itself. What I needed was some victories... I needed some wins to get the winning streak going... So I've accepted upon myself that no matter what, no matter who, no matter when, I will not look at porn... Porn is my red-line... Even if I act out, it cannot be with external stimulation... My hope is to make progress against lust... And hopefully in a few days or weeks I can up my red-line to no acting out at all... For me, this wasn't an easy thing for me to accept... On one hand, this seems to violate the rule that we are allergic to lust and cannot have any of it.... It violates the principle that half measures avail us nothing... But I think the key that I am focusing on is taking progressive victories over lust, and making each day better than the last - so that the momentum is going in the right direction....
Meanwhile, I will work the 12 steps... A guy from my group gave me a book that is sort of interactive, called "Working the Steps"... I will start working them as I plow ahead, so that I can be in a place real soon where I can see some sobriety that lasts...
Another thought... I realized that for me, getting going in the right direction was only possible through having a support group around me. When I first landed on this forum, I was surrounded by so much support that I was able to catapult into sobriety for over 100 days... But when these old timers slowly left the forum, I lost my support and had a hard time staying sober... Then I started going to SA meetings and the support of the good REAL folks there... man, those guys are REAL... they helped me stay sober. But on days when there were no meetings, I had no support and I couldn't get by... So the most important thing that someone starting up can do, is to get support... Whether it's through making connections here on the forum or getting a good sponsor or going to meetings, you MUST get support early... In that vain, I've taken some phone numbers of people here on the forum and from my SA group, to reach out to and chat with when things are good and when thing are rough...
Viva La Revolucion!! |
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Personal Victory of the Day
The rewiring is REAL
Welcome back everyone. Thanks to Guard & his platoon for the restoration of the forum.
I want to share two events from when the site was down.
The first event: a dream where I was watching a movie, late at night. And in the dream, my hand started to slip down. And while still dreaming, I actually told myself, "NO! You'll mess up all the rewiring taking place. Pull away; walk around for 15 minutes and see." At which point I woke up! AND, I realized I'd pulled my hand back in real life, too. LESSON: THIS REWIRING IS HITTING MY DREAM STATE, NOT JUST REAL LIFE. Whoa.
The second case was scarier. In real life, I innocently found myself face-to-face with my biggest (lust) fantasy of my life. (I won't even describe it.) Decades in my imagination - and about to happen, I'm convinced. But I won't know, because I BACKED OFF. I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, "THIS MUST BE THE YETZER HARA PULLING OUT ALL THE STOPS. THE TIMING IS JUST TOO WEIRD. BUT I KNOW HASHEM WANTS SOMETHING DIFFERENT. IT'LL BE BETTER. NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OF THIS." And I backed away.
So, last week I avoided some inappropriate web pages. This week I avoided acting out in dreams, too. Monday, I said no to a real person. I'm on GYE 4 months, and I'm starting to see that the rewiring in my mind is REAL.
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Therapy Tip of the Day
Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) adopted for Pornography Addiction
By "Feedtherightwolf"
When I first realized that I had pornography addiction about 3 years ago, I struggled for about a little over a year to overcome it on my own. I was very poor and couldn't afford the treatment, neither was I ready to admit to another human being the nature of my problem.
So I tried to read the free books that I could find in the library, which dealt with other addictions. I picked up a very good book, called "Kill the Craving" and I modified a technique largely taken from this book called Exposure Response Prevention of ERP. This techniques was design to help people with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder , but it worked wonders for me, and was very useful in getting over the first 30 days.
I do not claim this "system" to be the solution. It will not substitute 12 step and other healthy changes in the lifestyle, nevertheless I believe (and I could be wrong) it can be very beneficial for people in early recovery.
I've made a video in which I tried to outline the basics of this "system" in the most efficient manner I could manage. I wanted to share it here.
I do not know if this will be helpful to anybody, and would appreciate the feedback.
If you think it is helpful, and you think somebody can benefit from it, please feel free to pass it on.
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Disclaimer
The author of the above is not religious. We had someone check though, and the movie is 100% Kosher. However, be warned that for one of the exercises he advises seeing a triggering image or trigger ourselves mentally in order to measure the physical response our body has, and to learn how to appropriately address it. GYE does not condone this. Please "Skip" this exercise. Thank you :-) |
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Daily Dose of Dov Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here. Torah Perspective on Insensitivity to Others
Someone asked Dov:
I just finished writing a fourth step inventory and I saw that I have a pattern of "insensitivity". I mean insensitive to others feelings/emotions, emotional numbness, lacking empathy, a hard heart. Insensitive to the dignity, worth, emotion and humanity of another. Would you enlighten me on what the Torah perspective is on insensitivity and perhaps a book or passage I could read?
Dov responds:
I'll do the best I can to address the character defects you are focused on from a 'Torah perspective', b'ezras Hashem. The sefer "Orchos Tzaddikim" and "Messilas Yeshorim" make what I am going to share here very clear to me:
Through His Torah, Hashem has clearly taught us that insensitivity is one of the main ways that we allow our self-centered fears and our pride to guide our interactions with others. Allowing ourselves to be mastered by our fears and our pride is much easier if we can afford to be insensitive.
The Torah says v'ohavto l'rei'acho kamocha - love your fellow (literally "your friend") as you would love your own self. Obviously, the main message is to treat other people with sensitivity - we'd hate to be ignored and stepped over, all of us want to be recognized as very, very important, and we all have needs. In terms of interpersonal relationships, the destitute are most often plagued by deep feelings of being ignored and uncared for by 'the haves'. This goes for all relationships at many levels.
The main message of the 3dr step to me, is that I can actually start learning how to live for a different reason. To give instead of receive. That comes directly from the fact that I can begin to give my life to G-d - for I can only really start to do that once I agree to let Him run the show. This means that I am beginning to accept that I am actually here to do His Will and be useful to His mission and people, rather than for me to get as much money (security), honor (love) or sex (pleasure) as possible.
It flies in the face of some of the building blocks of Western culture. And it certainly is the death knell of our own pre-recovery mentality. Only one who is totally self-concerned and mastered by desire, fear of losing what's their's, and very prideful, can actually be as preoccupied with lust as a sexaholic is. Sexaholics are very often really, really nice guys....but they themselves do not even realize how incredibly self-centered and selfish their choices are, especially (but not only) when it comes to acting out. A 'luster' is first and foremost a raw and inveterate taker, period. All our penitent self-righteous guilt does not ameliorate the voracious hungers we express, in lust. That is part of us, if we are long term, habitual lusters, then it is no accident - no 'dibbuk'. The 'devil' didn't 'make us do it' - we must actually have some serious defects of character.
But I ask you to pray that Hashem helps you be open with your sponsor and ready to listen to his feedback. Hopefully it will not be pontification and teaching, but mainly his very own experience.
Hatzlocha!
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